I'm afraid, really afraid, of bees and wasps. Terrified. I think it could even be called a phobia. And I always have been, and likely always will be. Just the thought of being close to one makes my heart race. Seeing pictures of them makes my breath catch and it feels as though my stomach is trying to escape my body. I once had one land on my hand while I was walking to work and I nearly lost my mind. For the rest of the day, just thinking about the incident made me physically shudder; I could feel a ghost of its little legs on my wrist. Just writing this makes me feel nauseated and nervous, like I need to twitch or shake my whole body to get rid of all the invisible bees and wasps that could be crawling on my in another universe.
So you can imagine how I might react if I was in a vehicle and there was one on the window next to me. On the inside of the window. Augh. And the other day, that is just what happened.
I'd had a horrific day at work (A JOB I HATE). I was already tired, moody and on-edge. My husband came to pick me up; I got in and shut the door when I noticed a bee (or wasp, I'm not sure) sitting on the top of the passenger-side window.
Oh, it's just on the outside. I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but it wasn't enough to make me freak out. I kept staring at it anyway, as though I couldn't look away, and to assure myself it was on the other side of the window. No, it's NOT ON THE OUTSIDE, IT'S ONTHEINSIDE!! I just plain lost it. I screamed and started scrambling away, trying to get in the back seat somehow without having to get closer to it. Once I was perched on the center console I started crying. My husband kept telling me to sit down, that it was just a tiny bee, and he would get it. But I couldn't. I had to get away, there is no way that I could just sit down, get even an inch closer to the bee when it was already close enough to get me.
Then he got mad. "Just SIT DOWN!" I thought he was mad I was on the center console, so I tried harder to push myself into the back; however, the rules of physics obviously evaded me, because there was no way I could have fit in the tiny crevice between driver and passenger seats. NoIcan'tIcan't. I was utterly overcome with terror, and all I wanted in the whole world, all that went through my mind, was to be as far away from it as I could. Pleasedon'tmakeme...please.
He growled, got out of the car, came around, opened my door, swatted the bee away, got back in the car. I was still crying; he was still mad, I could tell. But he asked if I was alright, but then started to tell me how he was sorry for getting mad but: I couldn't freak out like that, I needed to stay calm, "I know you've never been stung and I want to keep it that way", he was going to handle it, I was overreacting -- but I was so scared, sometimes I can't help it -- "yes you can, you just don't". For the most part, I didn't answer; I didn't look at him, tried to stop crying, waited for him to just say "its okay" and comfort me. And as always, whenever he is "talking to me", he kept repeating the same things over again. I mentioned his fear of spiders, and how I understand how they freak him out, etc.
But then he said "but I guess I trust you enough...(something else I don't remember exactly)..."
Trust..........TRUST. Reallly? This is where I stopped talking completely. Didn't look at him. Kept my arms folded, kept my eyes straight ahead and unfocused. When did this become a trust issue, would you like to tell me that? If I just trusted you enough, I would suddenly not have this phobia, and I could sit back and just listen to you all the time.
There was little else but one thought going through my mind, one thought controlling my actions and reactions: get away get as far away as possible get away NOW.
That phrase, those few words, they hurt and made me angrier at him than I have been in a long time. I don't get angry, or show that I am angry, at people very often. And I suppose I didn't then, either. But you'll have to excuse me if my trust is not completely rock-solid when I have trusted you in the past and you've let me down. You can't just start over and expect to get all of my trust again and get mad when it isn't there.. you've got to fucking earn it back.
Maybe I'm the one who won't let go of what happened so long ago, holding grudges, just can't forgive and forget, keeps thinking about the negatives instead of the positives, I don't know. I just don't.
All I know is I'm frustrated with him telling me how I should react, how I should handle my feelings and emotions. Just when I'm starting to realize that I am a very emotional person, and although I don't want to have the destructive spirals anymore, I still want to be in touch with my emotions, and my emotional nature is something I am starting to embrace, or I at least want to. And he always makes me feel as though that my emotions are something I need to rationalize and control, and that they are wrong.
But as always, I doubt myself. Maybe he is right. Maybe I do need to trust him more. Maybe I am just not trying to control my (IRRATIONAL) fears. Or am I allowed to be afraid, and not have to control them just because it's what he things is right, just to make him happy? Again, maybe he's right, if I just control myself better I will be able to handle it, I will be happier?
I don't know. But I'm still upset, and I don't know what that means.
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