I miss my therapist

I never thought I'd say that.  I kinda thought that when I was done with therapy that I wouldn't have to go back.  Like, maybe that was a one-time thing, and I'd have it figured out for the rest of my life and wouldn't need it anymore.

But now I do.  I miss her.  I miss being able to tell someone my problems and have them really seem to understand, who wouldn't tell me what my emotions should be like, and how being the way I was wasn't a bad thing, and I shouldn't change just because I thought I had to, because that's what society wanted.  One thing I especially miss is that when I wouldn't say anything after she told me something, she knew that it wasn't because I wasn't listening or that I just didn't want to say anything, but that I was THINKING about it, thinking about how I felt about it, whether I agreed or not, thinking about what I wanted to say about it.

I don't like the way I'm feeling right now.  Part of me is so scared that I'll get to be the way I was a year ago, and another part is really having a hard time caring, which makes me even more afraid.

I think my husband was hoping that now that I went to therapy that I am "cured", that now I won't get depressed ever again, or that now I know exactly what to do so that if I am depressed, I can just fix myself right up and be fine.  But I'm not.  I think that there is this part of him that doesn't want to admit that I have an actual depression disorder, because then I guess that means that I am mentally ill.  I'm sorry, but when I have been suffering from symptoms of depression (and anxiety) for twelve years - at the least - that's not just being sad and worried sometimes.  It's so much more than that.  Some days it's hard for me to leave the house, even with other people, and by myself, it's almost impossible.  As it has been lately.  Some days it's difficult to get out of bed, and do anything productive.  It's hard to feel that it's worth it.

I wish I could tell him.  I wish that he could understand, but he is not like that at all, and he absolutely doesn't get it.  But I am afraid that he won't.  And now this not telling him is starting to make me resentful, and I don't like it.  But what do I say to him?  What can I do?  i don't know that having the conversation would be any better.  I know how hard it was for him to see me in therapy.  I would just rather me be upset than to upset him.